my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
