My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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