my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
