there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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