What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
