I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
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Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
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I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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