Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
