Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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