im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
