So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
