my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
