I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I love having hate sex.
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I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I wear drunk well.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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