i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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