Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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