When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize