very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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