I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
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I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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