she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Oh god it's open bar.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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