I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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