Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
