I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
