i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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