if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
