life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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