some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
