what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
