My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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