1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
