FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think i got beer on your cat.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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