apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
