I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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