I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
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Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
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Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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