the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
