he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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