If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
