I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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