I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
