btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
