PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
