when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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