having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
