he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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