Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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