I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
