after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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