My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
