Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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