There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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