Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
