bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
