..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
