Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
