I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
