im six kinds of drunk right now
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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