He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
