I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i've created a new STD.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
