I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
